By Sam Agnitsch
It’s been a long, arduous and draining summer for the Thunder faithful but we are only one week away. Just about out of that dark tunnel that seemed to be never-ending only a few months earlier. Between the Ibaka trade, Russ’ extension, and uh KD’s restaurant closing, we’ve had to face some hard truths, but we also made some surprising realizations about ourselves. We’ve blamed everyone from God to Sam Presti to that weird little Steven Adams kid for our offseason troubles and invented a holiday in our lone triumph. We fought with neighbors, brothers, coworkers, pets, and generally anything within shouting distance about the state of our beloved franchise, but now it’s time. No more speculation, no more sleepless nights, the answers we seek are only one week away. Luckily for you, I can see into the future and am willing to spill the beans on some important topics this season. This is a warning: if you wish to avoid spoilers, do not scroll down. Thunder up.
-The Thunder will have 3 players shooting over 39% from 3-point range (min 30 attempts). Anthony Morrow, Alex Abrines and (gasp!) Kyle Singler.
-Despite this, they will still finish in the bottom 8 in the league in 3-pointers made as a team.
-Steven Adams will make his first all-star game.
– He will also instigate the first ejection in all-star game history.
-The Thunder will have 3 players on an NBA All-Defensive Team.
-Domantas Sabonis will win every locker room argument with the “my dad could kick your dad’s ass” method.
-Billy Donovan will receive more than five technical fouls and come close to one ejection this year.
-The Thunder as a team will record 1,039 total steals, missing out on Phoenix’ all-time record of 1,059.
-Victor Oladipo will average more than 20 points a game and have two 40+ point games.
-Kyle Singler’s hair will receive $500,000 in total fines for “locker room talk”.
-Singler will also shoot 40% and finally shut people up about his contract.
-Russell Westbrook will win MVP, but miss out on the triple-double season average by 1.4 rebounds.
-The Thunder will win 50 games and be the 4th seed in the West.
-Thunder announcer Brian Davis will break Mark Cuban’s all-time record for douche chills in a season with 374.
-Enes Kanter will win 6th Man of the Year, making him just the 3rd frontcourt player in the last 14 years to win.
-The Thunder will finish outside the top 5 in points per game for the first time since the opening two seasons in OKC.
-The Thunder will finish top 5 defensively in opponent’s points per game for the first time ever in OKC.
-The “name that emoji” game played during timeouts will continue to suck.
-Semaj Christon will eventually overtake Ronnie Price for backup point guard until Payne returns.
-Cameron Payne will struggle when he returns but become a major contributor in the playoffs.
-The Thunder will get weird with it using an occasional Ilyasova, Lauvergne, and Kanter 2nd unit lineup.
-This will be Nick Collison’s last season.
-Opponents will average over 35% from 3 point range on the season.
-Abrines will struggle early with minutes but will be playing 15+ minutes per game by the All-Star break.
-Mitch McGary’s suspension will be reduced from 15 games to 5 after successfully using the “smoke but didn’t inhale” defense.
-Anthony Morrow will score 25+ in a win against a top-5 team this season.
-Josh Huestis and Andre Roberson will play minutes together in an experimental small ball lineup.
-Victor Oladipo will beat out Russ for best dunk on the team, possibly the whole league.
-Kevin Durant will accidentally call Draymond Green, Russell, which will lead to an awkward breakfast the next morning.
-The Thunder will win their opening series against Portland 4-2 but fall to the Spurs in 7 games the next round.
So there you have it. Now let’s get this thing started already.